malaise.
common sense has not served me well and i’m drifting further down to my hell
such self-imposed dark lunacy
i can’t stop this from happening
save my salvation
save me from pity
i don’t want compassion
but i need understanding
these words come not easy
but i’m down on my knees
don’t forgive me, don’t leave me
for i’ve done nothing wrong
my only friend here has turned out to be a familiar monster who
has betrayed me
so tempting and vicious
so kind and malicious
his hidden intent has made an attempt on my life
which is empty and hollow
my life
how many lies can i swallow?
my life
has lost the glamour and bright days
my life
is marked by malaise
Run
I’m making most of what I can
Though every day has worn me thin
So tired and restless I can’t give up now
But only for you I choose to go on
I want your eyes in line with mine
And your arms to hold me away from harm
I’m so tired and I can’t push uphill these days
Please let me settle down and drift
If I can’t please you and if I cause hurt
And if I deceive you by any means
Please let me go and move away from my world
Even to mean well can put tears in my eyes
So, how can I go on and go on and go on?
Where can I run and where can I hide?
Where can I find new excuses untried?
When will you find me and when will you see?
When can you forgive me for being so weak?
This life doesn’t matter without you in my life
And I’m sorry for pushing you so far away
I was scared you would hurt me
I was scared you would leave
And I’ve just fulfilled my own prophecy.
–
i would awake rom dreams just to scream
at
a face that has haunted my vision in false paradise
the halo has faded
my wings tattered and trashed and the fire of the devil is searing my flesh
somethings gotta give
someone’s gotta go
i would give everything just to see it happen to you
the fall
the fall
the fall
i would give everything for it to happen at all
the months have gone by and you don’t understand that
life isn’t all glory and laughs but you never quite manage
to walk in my shoes and the soles have worn thin with years of abuse
Cold
i’m sick and tired of explaining myself over and over and repeating tings that have be said too many times before because it just leaves me wanting to fade away from everyone and everything and now i just want to fade into nothingness
sweet emptiness because i feel like such a shell of a person
a sick human being with nothing to ofer the world but a false facade that just inches behind lies such a pile of shit with no glory and nothing
just nothing
if this is what you want fuck it
i have it
but i won’t be there
i’ll have nothing to offer just you a shell of what once was me
June 7, 2008
you’re sucking life right out of me
i no longer know who i am
you’re digging claws deep in my soul
to suck me dry and make you whole
your venom withers all you touch
yet those so weak adore your lies
deny the truth they blindly heed
your gospel spewing hate and greed
“yes i know i’m soulless
and yes, i know the truth
but if you follow, i will lead you
and if you love me, i will need you
for you’re all i have to lose
i have nothing left to lose”
you live in fear of breaking free of all your chains and misery
you only know insanity
and difference is threatening
there is nothing left to fill your void
you need to learn and compromise
abuse the weak and innocent
you falter when there’s no supply
“yes it is something i will learn
i wish to change my animosity
the spite to those i wish to be
the despair i feel and always hide
help me find myself again
if you heal these age-old wounds
i will never let you down again
if you trust me
i promise you…”
words are written and read and denied for you gave me a second of unbridled pride which has turned into guilt about not being the one that you can come running to when things come undone
i yearn for your passion your fire and desire and i need you to hold me when i’m feeling so tired of this world of this life of some days turning gray and i look up to you like in no other way
you can imagine that i can be idealized but
i’m aware that you’re glancing through rose coloured eyes and i’m scared that you will just realize that i am not so perfect and i think you’ve accepted that i’m not a person who deals with rejection but in my relfection i see a new being who’s trying to correct the things that you’ve seen
there are days where i feel like i’m up against all and all things will change if i make the call and you give me a chance to prove your fears wrong if i accept the chance to always belong in a place that is safe where no harm can be done and a day where the arms of a saviour so strong can hold and protect me and i can stop running from whatever is chasing my insecure mind that drives me to madness and leaving me blind
i just want you to know that i see you as pure and that whatever life throws out there i can always endure as i believe in you wholly and see you through eyes that are unmuddled by prospects but are fully alive and i think you are beautiful just come as you are because god only knows thing that god only knows and if god does exist then it’s to you that i owe that my life’s surely changed with your breath and your being and i’ve gone through more positive that has been so freeing of doubt and of fear and of sorrow and i depend on tomorrow
do you know do you know do you know?
written under the influence of being awake.
so this simple life has just turned upside down and the days i knew to come so fast have turned right back around. to the one that thinks they know me knows nothing what they had in mind, and the one that pushed me to this edge has left me far behind (thank you, amen) i want this moment etched in time, all the prior days can die, i never felt so hopeless and amazed at the same time.
i want my head held under water or in your arms all the same
i seek the comfort and the warmth just as long as i am safe.
when no race is to be won, i still hurry as there’s no tomorrow yet if i could pause this moment i would borrow just another slice of time in this span of minutes lasting seconds lasting hours in a frame of mind, rewind
……..
my dreams lately are not so much disturbing as much as confusing. waking up not totally sure what’s going on around me. and not sure why they’re happening. lots of running around hotels lost and searching. these are typical. finally i looked it up and it’s weird.
ok:?
Hotel
To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. Or you feel the need to temporarily escape from your daily life.
that doesn’t really tell me much. but mostly i’m in a HUGE hotel. i’m wandering the hallways and floors via stairwells. it’s dingy and dark most of the time. the place is always empty, like i’m the only one in the building. it’s a bit unnerving.
i’m tired.
My take on “life is like…”
Life is like a box of chocolates. You grab the biggest box of chocolates you can find, in dire hope of getting the chocolate you want on the first try, but you have to go through a bunch of shit before hitting the goldmine.
Which is, of course, some fancy type of truffle (or whatever your fancy). But then you’re not satisfied with just one truffle, so you go through the process again several times until you’re absolutely sick of chocolate in general, and you give up trying to find the one chocolate you like.
Dream: November 17, 2007
I was in some bad (seemed to be, i was feeling a bit on edge in the dream) part of NYC and it was all empty… very gray… no people around… really windy and not cold but just GRIM. I had the feeling I was lost and trying to find my way to who-knows-where.
So I’m walking down this street with buildings on each side, some boarded up, some dilapidated, all really GRAY.. so fucking depressing… then I see this creature run towards me, some sort of dog thing, it’s head seemed shoved into it’s body… and it was pushing this kitten around with it’s head… like a soccer ball.. (hey don’t ask me why my head had these weird images, like I can help that)
and I walk up to this thing because it looks like to be in actual pain… and it’s a large dog, a german shepard… and it’s head was twisted around completely.. by it’s neck… like someone had just taken it’s poor little head and gave it a 360.
and this man walks out from who knows where (in my dream he was faceless) and says to me that this dog’s trying to get a new head, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he’s trying to get a new head from this kitten he’s pushing around.. like the dog think he can use the kitten as a head…
but the dog doesn’t know that it’s a kitten and he is a little confused right then because his head’s been fucked up
in my dream it seemed like a perfectly normal explanation. of course! giant german shepherd with it’s neck broken and twisted pushing around a kitten that’s not running away! gee whiz!
so anyway i walk up to the kitten and gently pick it up and remove it and put it on the side of the street where it’s safer, and i walk up to the german shepherd and real quietly and softly put my arms around him and said ‘it’s going to be OK, don’t you worry, calm down’. and i remembering feeling this awful cringing feeling in my dream as i grabbed it’s head as gently as i could and twisted it back around…
then i said to the dog ’see you don’t need a new head, you have one right here, it was just a little mixed up, you’ll be ok now’ and gave him a doggy pat on the head and walked away.
then i think the dream cut in somewhere else and i was checking my email and got an email from someone i never hope to see again in my life saying they would be in town and they were going to find me… that’s when i woke up…
May 5th, 2008
you bring me close to hating you, the stealth and steady form of use
can’t see your eyes; how do they lie?
you’ve got me in the perfect bind
i’ve let you walk all over me
and i was blind but now i see
you’re just like all the other ones
who see how far i’ll come undone
there’s no excuse for shade and doubt
in the end i’ll always find out
and you’ve hurt a heart who’s always cared
i’ve nothing left to give
this isn’t fair.
