Do you know?
Words are written and read and denied for you gave me a second of unbridled pride which has turned into guilt about not being the one that you can come running to when things come undone
i yearn for your passion your fire and desire and i need you to hold me when i’m feeling so tired of this world of this life of some days turning gray and i look up to you like in no other way
you can imagine that i can be idealized but
i’m aware that you’re glancing through rose coloured eyes and i’m scared that you will just realize that i am not so perfect and i think you’ve accepted that i’m not a person who deals with rejection but in my relfection i see a new being who’s trying to correct the things that you’ve seen
there are days where i feel like i’m up against all and all things will change if i make the call and you give me a chance to prove your fears wrong if i accept the chance to always belong in a place that is safe where no harm can be done and a day where the arms of a saviour so strong can hold and protect me and i can stop running from whatever is chasing my insecure mind that drives me to madness and leaving me blind
i just want you to know that i see you as pure and that whatever life throws out there i can always endure as i believe in you wholly and see you through eyes that are unmuddled by prospects but are fully alive and i think you are beautiful just come as you are because god only knows thing that god only knows and if god does exist then it’s to you that i owe that my life’s surely changed with your breath and your being and i’ve gone through more positive that has been so freeing of doubt and of fear and of sorrow and i depend on tomorrow
1-2004: dream
I was on this stupid documentary show about fish and we were underwater looking at different kinds of fish and the damn slimy things were running into me so I jumped out. Then I attempted dyeing my hair black but it didn’t take and instead my hair turned this light brown color. Then I told my mother that I was going to some event and I wanted to wear my hair up because it was finally long enough to do so, so she did and it looked weird. Then I was at this air force base and this small jet crash-landed and the two people inside died. It kept repeating, the plane crash. Then we (I don’t know who ‘we’ is) were at an airport waiting for some people and they were going through the wrong metal detector and I was getting really frustrated with them because it was OBVIOUS which metal detector they had to go through but they were just stupid, stupid people (odd because I don’t associate with stupid, stupid people but obviously in dreams I do)…. and this really fat little kid started speeding towards this other metal detector and tried to run through but she ran into a huge metal pole and her head went flying off (what… the… fuck). I can’t remember if it was before or after the airport thing, but I was at this HUGE outdoor event and I was talking on my cell phone and there were a lot of people around
Yellow.?
yellow yellow yellow yellow
gray
world falls away
i want this day
to end
like it began
where i ran and ran and ran
for sanctity
a church to raise to bear
my self
a lying man who tells a tale
of flawless love and peace of mind
of parting seas and curing blind
his lies, my faith, there’s no remorse
he spins his tale with brutal force
my lies, his faith, my breathing grace
i ran from life erased my face
yellow yellow yellow
blind
seeing eyes know not the mind
a lying man who spewed his worth
a subtle writ that shunned my birth
from light and love and heaven-bound
his lies, my faith, so now profound
My Monster
so many days i can’t stop myself
from fighting this monster that eats me alive
so many times i have fought and i’ve tried
to live for a moment without fearing my mind
i hate this yet live this and its bringing me down
i feel like i’m standing on uneven ground
the balance to life has been skewered so violent
i’m so sick of this death instinct silence
eat me alive from within to the shell
i’ve been living a lie and i’m living in hell
there’s a way out
there’s a way out
so despondant and somber so livid so frail
so scared to begin for the fear i will fail
i’m so alone in this pattern and i can’t call for grace
i’m left in this mess that is such a disgrace
i fear for my mind more than i fear for my life
the one thing worth saving the love i deny
for i feel so hollow and i yearn to relent
the control for some peace and free of this torment
Fear
this fear builds inside that i can’t comprehend so anxious and scared
i keep running away
and it seethes and it grows to intolerable heights
amounting to nothing and there’s no end in sight
inflicting destruction
self
holding within and i can’t yet contain the chaos that wins
but if i let it consume me i’ll die; as it wants
so i battle against these horrible thoughts
there’s no way to save me and i can’t save myself
how i’d give my whole being for some kind of help
but no one can stop this monster so great, i’m afraid that all hope is lost
it’s too late
i numb to forget, to quiet the noise
deafened by silence i can’t live with myself
i numb to forgive for myself can’t forget
that i could have been someone without any regret
no end in sigh no release is replete no will left to fight
no
It’s a Sleep Thing
as i drift far down below
to dreams of dying and regret
to never wake in tear again
to never wake to love again
as i drift far down beneath
the shadows of all doubt
to never feel the pain again
to never feel the pain again
life shuts down with thoughts of you
no pictures in my mind
my life is nothing without you
with nothing left to hold
i rise again and fight this day
of emptiness
for all it’s worth it had no meaning
i never want to feel again
i run away
i run away
i don’t want to face this day
i run away
i hide in shame
i don’t want to live this way
i run away
i run away
i don’t want to face this day
i run away
i hide in shame
i don’t want to feel this way
i run away
i don’t want to face this day
i run away
i hide in shame
i don’t want to live this way
You Are.
you are the fire that lights the sun
you are the shine that is the stars
you are the eyes that see my soul
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
so far from me
you are the one you’re everything
you’ve no idea what joy you bring
my hearts on fire, my souls alive
i’m blessed to have you in my life
you are the one
you’re everything
you’ve no idea what joy you bring
my heart’s on fire
my soul’s alive
i’m blessed to have you in this life
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
so far from me so far from me
you are the the one
so far from me
i cannot see
you are the one
you’re everything you’re everything
i cannot see
you are the one
so far from me
where are you?
you are the one
you’re everything
you are the one
..
you are the one
..
you are the one
..
you are the one
…
you are the one
you are the one
Final Point
This is it, the final point
you will have no control
ive let it out i’ve run away
the last thread has come undone
and you will never tear me down
you’ve beaten down on me
tried to take away who i am
not bothering to listen
not trying to understand
Get Out Now
leave me to myself
Fuck your ideas
go fuck yourself
You have never loved me
you have only lied
why did i bother?
Why even try
goodbye
I hate what you’ve done
you’ve fucked with my mind
one minute you love me
then you’re so damn unkind
If this is what i get
And if this is what you do
then i don’t want to know
So leave me the hell alone
Get Out Now
leave me to myself
Fuck your ideas
go fuck yourself
You have never loved me
you have only lied
why did i bother?
Why even try
goodbye
No more patience for never again
I refuse to wait for incoming deception
No more fucking with me
no more pissing around
No more lying to me
no more beating me down
no more back-handed words
no more blaming and shame
no more guilt without cause
no more of your games
Devils?
There’s a devil on my back
And there are devil’s on my mind
Where have all the angels gone?
They have all left me behind
And everyday is such a fight
Amongst good and bad and me
I want to emerge strong, to win
But they’re always hurting me.
I am so sore
From this long war
I want to drown and end it all;
My body’s used
Been so abused
I need to heal and start anew
My soul is numb from all the pain
That’s been inflicted over time
I am aching for the sweet release
To escape this hell of mine
I can swallow no more tears or pride
Or hide behind this mask of lies
This perfection which I portray
I’ve become to despise.
Will someone come and save me now
Will someone please release my heart?
These chains which bind me from a life
That’s pure and sweet and true?
I’ve been down for so very long
I have no strength to go on
I’m waiting to be swept away
Up to a better place
My dreams have faded
My hopes are gone
My mind is sick
My body’s frail
My heart is weak
My flesh is cold
I am such a waste of life
