My take on “life is like…”
Life is like a box of chocolates. You grab the biggest box of chocolates you can find, in dire hope of getting the chocolate you want on the first try, but you have to go through a bunch of shit before hitting the goldmine.
Which is, of course, some fancy type of truffle (or whatever your fancy). But then you’re not satisfied with just one truffle, so you go through the process again several times until you’re absolutely sick of chocolate in general, and you give up trying to find the one chocolate you like.
May 5th, 2008
you bring me close to hating you, the stealth and steady form of use
can’t see your eyes; how do they lie?
you’ve got me in the perfect bind
i’ve let you walk all over me
and i was blind but now i see
you’re just like all the other ones
who see how far i’ll come undone
there’s no excuse for shade and doubt
in the end i’ll always find out
and you’ve hurt a heart who’s always cared
i’ve nothing left to give
this isn’t fair.
Do you know?
Words are written and read and denied for you gave me a second of unbridled pride which has turned into guilt about not being the one that you can come running to when things come undone
i yearn for your passion your fire and desire and i need you to hold me when i’m feeling so tired of this world of this life of some days turning gray and i look up to you like in no other way
you can imagine that i can be idealized but
i’m aware that you’re glancing through rose coloured eyes and i’m scared that you will just realize that i am not so perfect and i think you’ve accepted that i’m not a person who deals with rejection but in my relfection i see a new being who’s trying to correct the things that you’ve seen
there are days where i feel like i’m up against all and all things will change if i make the call and you give me a chance to prove your fears wrong if i accept the chance to always belong in a place that is safe where no harm can be done and a day where the arms of a saviour so strong can hold and protect me and i can stop running from whatever is chasing my insecure mind that drives me to madness and leaving me blind
i just want you to know that i see you as pure and that whatever life throws out there i can always endure as i believe in you wholly and see you through eyes that are unmuddled by prospects but are fully alive and i think you are beautiful just come as you are because god only knows thing that god only knows and if god does exist then it’s to you that i owe that my life’s surely changed with your breath and your being and i’ve gone through more positive that has been so freeing of doubt and of fear and of sorrow and i depend on tomorrow
1-2004: dream
I was on this stupid documentary show about fish and we were underwater looking at different kinds of fish and the damn slimy things were running into me so I jumped out. Then I attempted dyeing my hair black but it didn’t take and instead my hair turned this light brown color. Then I told my mother that I was going to some event and I wanted to wear my hair up because it was finally long enough to do so, so she did and it looked weird. Then I was at this air force base and this small jet crash-landed and the two people inside died. It kept repeating, the plane crash. Then we (I don’t know who ‘we’ is) were at an airport waiting for some people and they were going through the wrong metal detector and I was getting really frustrated with them because it was OBVIOUS which metal detector they had to go through but they were just stupid, stupid people (odd because I don’t associate with stupid, stupid people but obviously in dreams I do)…. and this really fat little kid started speeding towards this other metal detector and tried to run through but she ran into a huge metal pole and her head went flying off (what… the… fuck). I can’t remember if it was before or after the airport thing, but I was at this HUGE outdoor event and I was talking on my cell phone and there were a lot of people around
My Monster
so many days i can’t stop myself
from fighting this monster that eats me alive
so many times i have fought and i’ve tried
to live for a moment without fearing my mind
i hate this yet live this and its bringing me down
i feel like i’m standing on uneven ground
the balance to life has been skewered so violent
i’m so sick of this death instinct silence
eat me alive from within to the shell
i’ve been living a lie and i’m living in hell
there’s a way out
there’s a way out
so despondant and somber so livid so frail
so scared to begin for the fear i will fail
i’m so alone in this pattern and i can’t call for grace
i’m left in this mess that is such a disgrace
i fear for my mind more than i fear for my life
the one thing worth saving the love i deny
for i feel so hollow and i yearn to relent
the control for some peace and free of this torment
skeleton key
why don’t you come over and feed me a line
and make this second ever more divine
than the lies you have given me so intolerable and the days you never loved so more than yourself
its so sad to see you withering away
but i hate you more and more each day
your penniless thoughts and your envy green eyes
on don’t say you loved me
i don’t fall for lies
like you wear on your sad face you wear in you bed you wear in the coffin you already lay in
you were the final lesson in pure aggression and taught me that love is only a laugh
just good for a fuck just good if you came and i’ll fuck you if that’s just part of the game
for a heart not existing
just my poisonous kind
that will surely bring you down to your knees
you say it’s the fate of humanity that love can’t exist between you and me
but you’re so full of shit and it’s another excuse for you to have two that can always be used
you’ll never have this heart again for i’ve thrown the key away.
9-7-2006 Lille, France
walking down these quiet streets
another language, same old feet
kicking against the pricks each day
new city where i cannot stay
wandering; not lost not found
so many stories yet unfound
another face, another day
a different smile on every face
can’t choose a place to live my life in
can’t choose a face to lose my eyes in
can’t choose a place to call my home
but can’t give up or die alone
running fast to find the new
running fast so far from you
destroy my soul and every truth
just to confirm the lies i knew
some day i wonder if i exist
or
if i was gone would i be missed?
i’ve never cared much either way
you never cared much anyway
11-25-2006
i’m sick and tired of explaining myself over and over and repeating tings that have be said too many times before because it just leaves me wanting to fade away from everyone and everything and now i just want to fade into nothingness
sweet emptiness because i feel like such a shell of a person
a sick human being with nothing to offer the world but a false facade that just inches behind lies such a pile of shit with no glory and nothing
just nothing
if this is what you want fuck it
i have it
but i won’t be there
i’ll have nothing to offer just you a shell of what once was me
