malaise.
common sense has not served me well and i’m drifting further down to my hell
such self-imposed dark lunacy
i can’t stop this from happening
save my salvation
save me from pity
i don’t want compassion
but i need understanding
these words come not easy
but i’m down on my knees
don’t forgive me, don’t leave me
for i’ve done nothing wrong
my only friend here has turned out to be a familiar monster who
has betrayed me
so tempting and vicious
so kind and malicious
his hidden intent has made an attempt on my life
which is empty and hollow
my life
how many lies can i swallow?
my life
has lost the glamour and bright days
my life
is marked by malaise
Run
I’m making most of what I can
Though every day has worn me thin
So tired and restless I can’t give up now
But only for you I choose to go on
I want your eyes in line with mine
And your arms to hold me away from harm
I’m so tired and I can’t push uphill these days
Please let me settle down and drift
If I can’t please you and if I cause hurt
And if I deceive you by any means
Please let me go and move away from my world
Even to mean well can put tears in my eyes
So, how can I go on and go on and go on?
Where can I run and where can I hide?
Where can I find new excuses untried?
When will you find me and when will you see?
When can you forgive me for being so weak?
This life doesn’t matter without you in my life
And I’m sorry for pushing you so far away
I was scared you would hurt me
I was scared you would leave
And I’ve just fulfilled my own prophecy.
–
i would awake rom dreams just to scream
at
a face that has haunted my vision in false paradise
the halo has faded
my wings tattered and trashed and the fire of the devil is searing my flesh
somethings gotta give
someone’s gotta go
i would give everything just to see it happen to you
the fall
the fall
the fall
i would give everything for it to happen at all
the months have gone by and you don’t understand that
life isn’t all glory and laughs but you never quite manage
to walk in my shoes and the soles have worn thin with years of abuse
Cold
i’m sick and tired of explaining myself over and over and repeating tings that have be said too many times before because it just leaves me wanting to fade away from everyone and everything and now i just want to fade into nothingness
sweet emptiness because i feel like such a shell of a person
a sick human being with nothing to ofer the world but a false facade that just inches behind lies such a pile of shit with no glory and nothing
just nothing
if this is what you want fuck it
i have it
but i won’t be there
i’ll have nothing to offer just you a shell of what once was me
June 7, 2008
you’re sucking life right out of me
i no longer know who i am
you’re digging claws deep in my soul
to suck me dry and make you whole
your venom withers all you touch
yet those so weak adore your lies
deny the truth they blindly heed
your gospel spewing hate and greed
“yes i know i’m soulless
and yes, i know the truth
but if you follow, i will lead you
and if you love me, i will need you
for you’re all i have to lose
i have nothing left to lose”
you live in fear of breaking free of all your chains and misery
you only know insanity
and difference is threatening
there is nothing left to fill your void
you need to learn and compromise
abuse the weak and innocent
you falter when there’s no supply
“yes it is something i will learn
i wish to change my animosity
the spite to those i wish to be
the despair i feel and always hide
help me find myself again
if you heal these age-old wounds
i will never let you down again
if you trust me
i promise you…”
May 5th, 2008
you bring me close to hating you, the stealth and steady form of use
can’t see your eyes; how do they lie?
you’ve got me in the perfect bind
i’ve let you walk all over me
and i was blind but now i see
you’re just like all the other ones
who see how far i’ll come undone
there’s no excuse for shade and doubt
in the end i’ll always find out
and you’ve hurt a heart who’s always cared
i’ve nothing left to give
this isn’t fair.
Yellow.?
yellow yellow yellow yellow
gray
world falls away
i want this day
to end
like it began
where i ran and ran and ran
for sanctity
a church to raise to bear
my self
a lying man who tells a tale
of flawless love and peace of mind
of parting seas and curing blind
his lies, my faith, there’s no remorse
he spins his tale with brutal force
my lies, his faith, my breathing grace
i ran from life erased my face
yellow yellow yellow
blind
seeing eyes know not the mind
a lying man who spewed his worth
a subtle writ that shunned my birth
from light and love and heaven-bound
his lies, my faith, so now profound
My Monster
so many days i can’t stop myself
from fighting this monster that eats me alive
so many times i have fought and i’ve tried
to live for a moment without fearing my mind
i hate this yet live this and its bringing me down
i feel like i’m standing on uneven ground
the balance to life has been skewered so violent
i’m so sick of this death instinct silence
eat me alive from within to the shell
i’ve been living a lie and i’m living in hell
there’s a way out
there’s a way out
so despondant and somber so livid so frail
so scared to begin for the fear i will fail
i’m so alone in this pattern and i can’t call for grace
i’m left in this mess that is such a disgrace
i fear for my mind more than i fear for my life
the one thing worth saving the love i deny
for i feel so hollow and i yearn to relent
the control for some peace and free of this torment
Fear
this fear builds inside that i can’t comprehend so anxious and scared
i keep running away
and it seethes and it grows to intolerable heights
amounting to nothing and there’s no end in sight
inflicting destruction
self
holding within and i can’t yet contain the chaos that wins
but if i let it consume me i’ll die; as it wants
so i battle against these horrible thoughts
there’s no way to save me and i can’t save myself
how i’d give my whole being for some kind of help
but no one can stop this monster so great, i’m afraid that all hope is lost
it’s too late
i numb to forget, to quiet the noise
deafened by silence i can’t live with myself
i numb to forgive for myself can’t forget
that i could have been someone without any regret
no end in sigh no release is replete no will left to fight
no
It’s a Sleep Thing
as i drift far down below
to dreams of dying and regret
to never wake in tear again
to never wake to love again
as i drift far down beneath
the shadows of all doubt
to never feel the pain again
to never feel the pain again
life shuts down with thoughts of you
no pictures in my mind
my life is nothing without you
with nothing left to hold
i rise again and fight this day
of emptiness
for all it’s worth it had no meaning
i never want to feel again
i run away
i run away
i don’t want to face this day
i run away
i hide in shame
i don’t want to live this way
i run away
i run away
i don’t want to face this day
i run away
i hide in shame
i don’t want to feel this way
i run away
i don’t want to face this day
i run away
i hide in shame
i don’t want to live this way
